I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
