am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
