she takes plan B like it's going out of style
well most of my day revolves around power hour
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
