the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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