Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
