I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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