my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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