Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
