when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
