we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
