You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
