UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
