I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
