Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
