People in love make me want to vomit
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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