I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
