i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
