mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
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Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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