Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
