you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
