Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
