Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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