Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
