I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
