Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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