the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
