I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
