Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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