The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
