I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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