in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
