This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
