Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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