I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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