I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
