just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
