My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
