you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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