I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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