When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
