i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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