Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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