I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
