I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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