You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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