No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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