I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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