Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he thought i was a dude.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
