I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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