dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.