Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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