Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
