Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
