yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
