just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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