I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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